We’ve really entered a new era since Birdy turned three. I feel like we’ve turned some invisible corner. We’ve passed out of the terrible twos and she’s now a big grown-up three year old.
One of the biggest differences is that we now have a lot less tantrums and a lot more negotiation going on. For example, the other night we were having dinner and she’d eaten everything except four little pieces of broccoli. Then she asked me if she could watch a bit of television, so I said, “You can watch one episode of Charlie and Lola if you eat all your broccoli.” Never have I seen broccoli disappear so fast! Now depending on how you look at that, you could say I bribed her with television, you could say she got a reward for eating all her dinner, or you could say that we negotiated an outcome that we were both happy with.
Of course, some people reading this will question whether you should reward kids for something that they’re supposed to do anyway, like eating dinner. Some child psychologists say that you shouldn’t use rewards, as they encourage competitive behaviour rather than teamwork, but I think rewards can be a useful tool for teaching new skills. And for little children, learning to eat dinner or use the toilet properly is actually a skill. But far more important is the skill of being able to delay gratification, because that is the basis of all forms of discipline. For those who aren’t familiar with the term, delayed gratification means doing something you don’t like now, so you’ll get a bigger reward later. Another way of describing it is learning to control your impulses. Most kids from functional families learn this skill quite naturally throughout childhood, but those who don’t will end up in a lot of trouble.
To some extent you can teach delayed gratification through negotiating… like saying “if you come and help me do the grocery shopping, I’ll take you to the park afterwards.” But mostly it’s going to be taught through modeling. Part of the reason that a three-year-old is so much easier to get on with than a two-year-old is because developmentally they are starting to learn impulse control. When a two year old asks for icecream, they’ll cry and say “I want it now! I want it now!” and you can’t reason with them, but a three or four-year-old is more likely to accept that if you eat all your dinner, then you can have some icecream. The flip side of this is that we need to make sure we don’t unconsciously reward impulsive behaviour by giving in to every unreasonable demand. Because that teaches children NOT to delay their gratification, or NOT to control their impulses and that could have really terrible consequences for them down the track.
Do you use rewards to control behaviour or are you philosophically opposed to any use of rewards? What kinds of rewards do you use? Do they work? Do some children respond more to rewards than others?
Jennzy
yeah that’s what i would call natural consequences, ie. there is no way you get to watch tv, if you can’t eat your dinner. TV is a privilege and if you don’t do what you need to keep your body healthy, then no way to the privilege. I’m all for natural consequences, coz they are the only thing that work. At the moment, my 8 y.o wants a digital camera like her 10 y.o sister (who saved bday money for it). However, this 8 y.o has drawn on her bookshelf, yesterday glued a doorway in 4 parts AT A FRIEND’S house (nb: this is so her and her friend could play a game where you go to run out the door, but you pretend to get stuck!!!!! I said thing about pretend is … you pretend with the sticky bit too!!!!) Hmm anyway, things like that. So natural consequence is .. this is why you cannot have a camera, because you don’t look after your things, or other people’s things. You only get a camera when you are responsible enough to look after it! I think rewards/delayed gratification also teaches them to have something to strive for. ALSO i think it is important to teach kids like this, because when they go to get a job … the person who acts a certain way is going to get the job – ie. someone who is trustworthy, reliable, etc. I tell my kids this all the time – i’m teaching you to be a person who can function in society!
Alexandra
Often in life there are rewards for doing things we don’t want to- you put in the hard work and it gets you somewhere, so I find it hard to believe that offering rewards could be bad. I tend to only offer them when the motivation is needed though and certainly not at every point of conflict
The dinner one is a classic – if I really want my 2.5 year old to eat, I might remind her that she can have yoghurt and strawberries afterwards if she eats a bit more. I’m only offering her things I think are appropriate though – not chocolate before bed etc.
I suppose reminding her of the good purpose behind things is also a form of reward or negotiation as well. She’ll get organised to leave a lot faster if it’s to go to a friends house, or head off to bed for a nap with less stalling when she knows we are going to do something fun afterwards, but only after she’s had a sleep.
The other form of delayed gratification I emphasise is asking nicely. She doesn’t get anything unless she’s asking calmly in a non-whingy voice with a please.
It’s also good to recognise times when they really need the extra motivation to do things, like when they are overtired. You need to recognise that it is harder for them tat those times to be self-controlled and a reminder or offer of rewards may help.
I also have to confess that my daughter has often asked for unnecessary bandaids at bedtime which I give her for the sake of getting her off to sleep faster! I figure it’s a small price to pay!
katrinaroe
Jennzy, I so agree with you about natural consequences!
Alexandra, I also agree that some rewards are good training for life. I think the reason some psychologists don’t like them is that they say rewarding individuals (in a group) leads to competitive behaviour rather than teamwork, but I can’t see how that relates to toilet training, or eating dinner. So far, I’ve found rewards useful for reinforcing positive behaviour and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Like giving a band-aid at bed, you are reinforcing that it’s good to go to bed and in a way you’re rewarding (or compensating) her for that, right? That’s how I see it anyway.