Last week, I went to hear one of my favourite authors speak at the Sydney Opera House. Alexander McCall Smith has written gazillions of novels, (he’s best known for the No 1 Ladies Detective Agency series) but in his 44 Scotland Street series, there’s a character called Bertie, a 6 year-old-boy who lives in Edinburgh with his extremely pushy mother, who drags him around to yoga and Spanish classes and saxophone lessons. Anyway, at this talk Alexander McCall Smith had everyone rolling in the aisles as he told anecdotes about Edinburgh’s notorious pushy Mums. But after I stopped laughing I suddenly thought: Hang on, am I a Pushy Parent?
I don’t have Birdy learning the saxophone or doing baby pilates, but we’ve been doing swimming lessons, we’re starting dancing next week and I’m thinking about a pre-school piano class for next term! But it’s not because I want my daughter to be the best at everything. It’s just something to fill up the hours because it’s so difficult to keep a pre-schooler busy and entertained day in, day out. I have lots of friends that take their little ones to classes like Gymbaroo – not because they’re trying to prepare their toddler for Olympic Gold – but just because it’s a nice sociable outing that doesn’t take too much effort!
So what’s the real definition of a Pushy Parent? Here’s my top five signs that you might be a Pushy Parent:
- If your child speaks more than three languages in pre-school
- If they’re reading chapter length books before they even start school
- If they’re learning more than one musical instrument or three kinds of dancing
- If you’ve entered them in a pageant of any kind before they’re five
- If you actually start expecting them to win stuff – whether it’s sports, academic prizes or beauty pageants
Any of these could be signs that you’re turning into a Pushy Parent – either that or you just have the most gifted and talented child on the planet! But on a serious note, kids do need lots of free time to develop skills in imaginative play. So the child that is over-committed will actually be missing out developmentally on a crucial part of their childhood. But more on that another week…
Do you suspect that you might be a pushy parent? Or did you have a pushy parent yourself? If so, did it do you good, or would you have liked a more relaxed attitude? Is a little bit of pushing a good thing?
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Jennzy
All the stuff my kids do is at their request, never mine, so phew think that means i’m NOT a pushy parent. Oh only thing we push them on is swimming lessons/squad because we live near the ocean and said sorry it’s a MUST! We will also push them into nippers down the track for the same reason.
I watched Bruno with Tim the other night and was horrified at some of the American parents who put their kids in for acting jobs. He was being silly (i know derr) and pretending he wanted to employ their babies for a crucifiction scene and also said to another mother would they be ok going into an oven (like a nazi putting a baby jew in the oven) and the mother goes .. what .. into an oven? You could see she baulked at that .. but still then said Yes of course my baby would be fine with that, as long as she gets the job!!!! YOU STUPID people! Now that’s pushy!
Back to pushy – i think if they ask to do something and then hate it and want to pull out – you should push them to finish. I made my daughter finish out the year in gymnastics last year. Some parents make them finish to end of term, but i made her do whole year! She wasn’t upset, just saying i don’t like it, do i have to go?
Aly
You said pretty much exactly what I was going to, Jenn.
I think it’s cool to give your kids the opportunity to try new things, and it seems like most dance/gym type classes for kids have it set up so you can come a couple of times without signing up for a term. I agree with Jennzy that once your kids have said “Yes, I want to do this thing” then it’s a good thing to encourage them to follow through on it. And yes, swimming is a bit different to most activities since it’s more a necessity for survival.
I think we’ve all got a bit of the pushy Mum lurking within us… you know, you see some kind of potential in your child and you want to see them excel at it, I guess.
I don’t know that my Mum was too pushy. Mostly I think she facilitated and encouraged me in pursuing interests like dancing (which never went anywhere!) and music. She certainly had to give me the shove-along with my French (which was a school subject by correspondence) and my piano lessons, but I really was very lazy as a teenager and wouldn’t have gotten as far with it if she hadn’t.
At the same time, it wasn’t until my piano teacher gently suggested that I give up on the lessons for a while so that I could learn to enjoy the piano again instead of resenting it that I actually DID start to enjoy it and take initiative to find and learn new songs.
So perhaps I’m glad my Mum pushed me up to a point so that I had the groundwork there to fall back on, but also thankful that she was able to let it go and stop pushing when it had gone a bit sour for me.
Carla Darling
I didn’t know that Alexander McCall Smith was in Sydney! I’m bummed that I missed out. He seems like a really friendly, down-to-earth guy. I haven’t read 44 Scotland Street, but I have read the sequel (I think it’s called Espresso Tales or Espresso Dreams). I thought that Bertie’s mum was so over the top and funny. She makes the poor lad wear pink overalls! But there is also a hint of truth in her character- there are really pushy mums out there- so Bertie’s story is a bit sad, too. However, in Espresso Tales/Dreams, Bertie and his dad begin to stand up a bit more to his mum. A great read!
I agree with Aly and Jennzy that swimming lessons in Australia are a must- we’re surrounded by water here in Australia, and you need to give your kids the skills to survive in the water. It’s just as important as getting your kids vaccinated. Swimming lessons are essential!
katrinaroe
Carla, he was absolutely hilarious! Have never laughed so much. If you ever get the chance to hear him speak, do it! And he was so down to earth (in a posh kind of way) despite the fact that the book have been outrageously successful.
Katrina Roe
Yeah, I also think swimming lessons should be compulsory. Maybe instead of the baby bonus they should give new parents vouchers for swimming lessons.
But seriously, I think it can be hard to figure out how much to persist – in that it’s good to encourage kids to stick at stuff long term so they see the benefit (like your gymnastics Jenzzy or your piano, Aly) but also to recognise when they’re not enjoying something anymore because all the fun has gone out of it. I was forced to do three years of tennis lessons when I was at school. It meant getting up on freezing cold mornings to do boring tennis exercises with a pervy old coach. Years later, my mum said that she wished she’d let me do music or dancing instead, like I wanted to!
OrangeMel
Hi Treene
finally found time to check out your blog. I love it and have added it to my favourites. I constantly check myself about being a pushy parent. I think the problem is too much comparing our children to others – I want them to do soccer, ballet, swimming, gymnastics etc etc because everyone else is and I don’t want my children to be backwards. I know that’s not how I’m supposed to think, but deep down inside that’s part of it. However, the child’s interests must also be considered. You say someone is a pushy parent if their child can read chapter books before school age. Our first could do that and I am proud of her reading ability and I do encourage her to read harder books, but mainly because she’s an absolute book-worm and I love reading too, so it’s something I think we share. When the child has a passion for something, it doesn’t feel wrong to encourage/push them in that direction.
x mel
katrinaroe
Hey Mel, I’m sure you’re not a pushy parent. It’s great that your oldest child is an avid reader! I’m sure my own daughter will be reading before school, but probably not The Lord of the Rings! BTW, I only said it’s my top five signs that you MIGHT be a Pushy Parent – if you said yes to all five, then I’d be worried! (Obviously it also depends how old the child was when they were sent to school!) With a January birthday, Birdy will be only just five.
I think it is really hard not to compare, but of course, we really have to allow them to pursue their own passions – not ours! Naturally, most children want to please their parents and so they do end up being influenced by what we nuture and encourage in them.
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