I saw a status update on Facebook that amused me recently. My sister-in-law (Aly) described how her 3 year old climbed into their bed in the early hours of the morning and they grudgingly allowed her in. After lying still for about a minute she started bouncing around. They told her to keep still and she said, “But I’m a froggy. I want to hop, hop, hop like a frog.” So her Dad said, “We don’t want any frogs in our bed. No more froggy jumps please.” After a short pause a little voice piped up, “Can I leap like a deer?”
I can relate to this story, especially lately. Last night I said to Birdy, “Night, night, mind the bed bugs don’t bite.” And she said, “Well if they do, I will just crawl into your bed!’ And I said, ‘Yeah, I bet you will.” I think because the weather’s been so cold, a certain little person keeps turning up in our room at about 4 am. And I must say it’s quite convenient because it’s a lot warmer if she curls up with us than if I have to go and settle her in her bedroom!
We’ve come full circle on this one, but it’s partly an age thing. When Birdy was little we had a rule that she couldn’t come into Mummy and Daddy’s bed until the birds were singing. This was mainly because she’d wriggle and squirm so much that none of us would get any sleep. I was pretty firm about it, because I thought that if she came into our bed I’d never get her out again. But there was one day a few months ago when neither my husband or I noticed that she’d got into bed with us until we woke up and found her asleep between us in the morning. And I thought, well if it’s not disturbing anyone, then what’s the problem? So now we let her stay there as long as she doesn’t start doing the cha-cha in the middle of the night.
Last week on my radio show I interviewed Rozanna Lilley from the Children and Families Research Centre at Macquarie Uni about the way children and families sleep around the world. Her point is that in most cultures, some form of co-sleeping is the norm. Not necessarily bed-sharing, but sleeping together, rather than expecting infants to sleep alone. The idea that children have problems sleeping is a relatively recent phenomenon in western cultures, and it may be that our expectations of children have changed, rather than that their sleeping has become worse. To hear the full interview click here.
Anyway, we actually quite enjoy it when Birdy comes to snuggle up with us. So far she hasn’t vomited or wee’d in our bed, though I’m sure the day is coming. Obviously I might feel differently if I had four kids, but with just one, she’s actually quite a good hot water bottle. I’m sure I’ll have second thoughts about it when summer rolls around though!
Do your kids climb into bed with you? What time of morning is OK? Do you let them sleep in your bed, or is it strictly a kid-free zone? What rules do you have to make sure everyone gets a good night’s sleep, or as good as possible?
Jennzy
My oldest, now 10, always got into our bed. We would take her out over and over and she’s keep bouncing back like a yo-yo (age toddler – 2.5). The problem was resolved when we put her 5m sister in her room and she was happy for ever more. She just hated being alone! People would say ‘you’re making a rod for your own back’. But I was so tired and needed sleep i just didn’t care! 2nd one used to come and do the cha cha as you put it and whisper under her breath which used to drive me insane. So it was sshhh or go back to your own bed for her. But then she used to get worms, head lice, and all sorts of other things so she was banned from our bed when 3-4 I think it was. However, as a baby she NEVER wanted to sleep in bed with us – she preferred to sleep by herself – until she was about 2. Last one wouldn’t settle in my arms, in bed with us, by himself – he hated his cot … nightmare. When he was 6m old i ended up putting him in double mattress on floor and slept with him for about 6-12m from the middle of the night onwards. They are all so different. Now only the youngest comes in sometimes if he’s cold and the middle one if she’s had a nightmare at times. Mind you … i have had green slimy vomit all over my bed in one of those times with my youngest …
boo hooo hoo. And my hubby’s had vomit too when i went away for a w/end and they were all sick. He ended up having them sleeping on towels on the floor around him while they took turns vomiting. But i think all up we’ve only had 3 vomiting in bed incidents (our bed) and maybe 1 or 2 wee incidents. If they crawl in, in the middle of the night, i say ‘you’re awake coz you need to go to the toilet … go before you get in here’! 
katrinaroe
Jennzy interesting to hear how they are all so different. Good tip re reminding them to go to the toilet too!
Kez
I unintentionally began co-sleeping with no 1 when she was about 6 months old and have never looked back. It just made sense instinctively to me – she wanted to be close to her mum, and I wanted her close to me. We heard the whole ‘rod for your back’ line so many times as well, but she took herself into her own bed before she was two.
No 2 we co-slept with basically from birth – which at the time meant four of us in the bed (as they are only 16 months apart). I had the cot right beside the bed so she was safe, but then as she grew older and more robust, she’d just stay in our bed after a feed. She’s 18 months old now, and puts herself to sleep each night in our spare queen-sized bed! The last couple of weeks her older sister has joined her, and they cuddle up together and go to sleep (they tend to sleep in later that way too).
We haven’t had too many sleepless nights – both girls would settle as soon as they had a reassuring cuddle from mum or dad. I could never see the sense in spending hours beside a cot trying to get them to go back to sleep. The friends I know who went down that path seemed to get far less sleep than we did.
What did surprise me is how judgemental people are about co-sleeping. Some people were openly hostile about it and insisted we try controlled crying. But to me, some versions of controlled crying are totally abhorrent, and co-sleeping is a natural thing to do. So, like all things in parenting, I guess we just need to accept that what is right for one, isn’t right for another.
My cot is perhaps the most expensive teething ring in history though!
katrinaroe
Hey Kez, it’s interesting to hear you say that you ended up co-sleeping instinctively. As a baby, Birdy never settled in our bed, but she did sleep in our room at the end of our bed until she was 8 months old. I just wanted her near me. I now recognise that this is also a form of co-sleeping. When I moved her out at eight months I actually missed her. I like how things are now. Instead of calling out for me, she can just come and find me. It works for both of us.
Lenore Riley
I had a giggle when I read this blog Treen! Four extra in the bed is really TOO many people in one bed, even if it is a king size! It happened to us in the early hours last night! The kids woke up because they were cold and just came and crawled into bed with us! I must admit that I do love snuggling with all my kids, tho not usually all at once… especially when they are coming in cause they are icy cold… Normally when one of the girls comes and joins us, I send them to the toilet, cuddle them for awhile and then take them back to their own beds. If I manage to be alert enough! We still have the port-a-cot set up in our bedroom for Thomas (number 4) even tho he is 19 months old, I miss him when he isn’t close… I think I am finding him the hardest to let grow up as I know he is our last. He does make a really good hot water bottle too! In summer I am not so keen to let the kids stay in our bed as they all like to drape themselves all over me or Dad. Our ‘rules’ have changed as we’ve had more kids and they are slightly different for each child… Esther (3yrs) still comes in most nights, so she goes back to her bed pretty much every time she comes in! Where as Aliza (4yrs) rarely wakes up and when she does, half the time she will take herself back off to her bed after she has gone to the toilet, so if she wants to stay, we don’t mind! Especially as she doesn’t need to dig her toes under your ribs like Esther does!
Cindy
I loved co-sleeping with my children. I didn’t find I was anymore tired than Mum’s who didn’t. Nearly every morning my two year old has crept into our bed unnoticed. I agree if you do notice them ask if they have to pee – no – take them to the toilet – better safe than sorry. Occassionally the 4 year old will creep in too. But on the rarest of occasions when the 6 year old comes aswell, one has to sleep on the blowup mattress next to us – it works. Everyone’s happy and we all sleep.
Aly
We’ve never really done co-sleeping much.
When our first daughter was new born we went to sleep with her in our bed a couple of times that first week, but both my husband and I had a couple of anxiety dreams which put a stop to that (eg. thinking she’d fallen down behind the bed when she was actually in her bassinet) We chose not to blur the lines for our peace of mind and I got right out of bed for her feeds from then on.
After they got older and the safety thing wasn’t so much of an issue, we chose to avoid sharing our bed with her for other reasons. For one, none of us sleep very well if she’s there.
Another reason though, was that we kind of wanted to reserve a space of intimacy that was just for us. Through out the day kids require so much of our time, energy, love, affection, attention, etc, and it felt important for us to keep our bed as ‘ours’. Not an inflexible rule, though, but a guide line.
Now days, El is able to come in to us when she wakes up (Tobes is still in his cot at 13 months). If it’s after 6am (or as we say to her, there’s light at the windows) she can hop in bed with us until we get up and I actually really enjoy that half-awake, sleepy snuggle time. If it’s before six, though, we take her back to her own bed.
If she’s sad or seems to need reassurance during the night one of us might sleep with her in her bed for a while, but that doesn’t happen often.
It’s interesting, what Kez said about people being judgemental and even hostile about different people’s choices. It really is true, hey, and quite sad and unhelpful. I know I’ve seen it in myself sometimes. But you’re right – different things will work for different people. If your family is happy and sleeping well then who cares how it happens?
At the same time, I know of a friend who’s kids are actually unable to go to sleep without her in the bed with them, and she and they will usually wake up often during the night. I have wondered if (apart from the obvious inconvenience of having to go to bed at the same time as your kids) this is actually a handicap for those kids?
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Jennzy
I definitely agree Aly that there seems to be a line that is crossed into unhealthy. When it is no longer a choice but it HAS to be that way or the house is in chaos – that doesn’t seem to be healthy.