I am in the laundry, up to my elbows in suds, scrubbing mould from the bath toys one by one, when into my head pops the voice of Meg Ryan in You’ve Got Mail: ”I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small – and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it , or because I haven’t been brave?”
I’m scrubbing mould from bath toys. Yes, I lead a small life. Valuable, but small.
I”m sure every Mum feels this way at times. Some days are just like that. And mostly, that’s OK.
But along comes something like Valentine’s Day. Of course, we don’t really care about Valentine’s Day, do we? By the time we’re in our 30s and 4os we’re totally over all that nonsense. We no longer sit around wondering if we’ll receive roses this year because we know we won’t. And we’re past caring. But for whatever reason, I’ve had those trashy rom-coms playing in my head this week, ever since I read Serena Faber Nelson’s Valentine’s post, which referenced Love Actually. That film is one of my favourites. Probably because in some small way I relate to nearly all the characters in it. Even the male ones. Oh, except that man-eating vampire chick who carelessly seduces her boss just because she can. Or that couple who are the body doubles in the… ahem… movies. But whenever I see that film I feel particular empathy with Karen, the character played by Emma Thompson. The first time I saw the film I didn’t even have kids, but I still felt her pain. She’s clearly a clever, kind, educated woman, (her brother, played by Hugh Grant, is the Prime Minister of Britain) but she’s been dragged down to one level above frumpy by ten years of looking after kids. And there’s a line she says that always gets to me. After she finds out her husband has given an expensive necklace to another woman she says, “You’ve made a fool out of me, and you’ve made the life I lead foolish too.” She then turns to congratulate her daughter with extravagantly feigned enthusiasm for her role playing the first lobster in the school nativity play. There’s something heartbreaking about this smart, capable woman declaring her small life to be foolish, while lavishing affection on her children.
Contrast that with Natalie, the spontaneous, sexy girl Karen’s brother (the PM) brings along to the same school Christmas pageant. She is so full of life and energy that he can’t keep his hands off her. When I first saw this film, I thought Natalie and Karen were two very different characters. And they are. But ten years and a couple of kids later, will Natalie really be so very different from Karen?
We all feel like Karen some days, but we also have a Natalie in there somewhere, waiting to be seen. If only there was a chance for her to emerge between mopping floors, getting kids to school, feeding the baby, caring for ageing parents and the bone-crushing tiredness we mums come to accept as normal.
So when my husband walks through the door at 5 o’clock this afternoon and says, “How was your day? What did you get up to?” am I going to tell him I cleaned the bathroom and scrubbed the mould off the bath toys? ’Cause that is surely going to fill him with passion. I can see it now, “Kids, go to your room and lock the door because I must have your mother right now on the kitchen floor. All this bedroom, I mean bathroom, talk is driving me wild!”
So as much as all the hype around Valentine’s Day is a load of commercial crap, creating false expectations between lovers and disappointment for those who don’t yet have the love they’re looking for, maybe there is a message in there for parents. Somewhere inside you is the person your spouse fell in love with. Some days you’ll wonder where the hell she’s gone. And some days we have to let go a little and let her out.
I think as mums we undervalue the work we do (and then is it any wonder that everyone else does?). Yes, scrubbing the bathroom isn’t sexy, but how often was a day at work? Sure there are days when it is exciting and stimulating, but there are days like that at home too. I think that transition from Natalie to Karen is more gradual as we age, and less to do with the kids, as we focus less on looks and appearances and more on content.
(and I think my husband gets much more excited when I tell him I’ve organised a pile of junk or thrown some stuff out than when I tell him about work!)
Thanks K. You’re probably right that we undervalue our work, but that’s because it doesn’t feel very significant. What gets done today (washing, cleaning, cooking) has to all be done again tomorrow, the next day and next week. My point isn’t that there’s anything wrong with scrubbing the bathroom, everyone has to do those kind of jobs, but if that’s all we do, our world can become very small and we won’t be very interesting to ourselves or to anyone else. As you say, every job has its boring bits, (some days are like that…) but housework is certainly a lot more tedious than most professional work. And if we put all our energy into nurturing our children we can forget to nurture and feed ourselves and our relationship with our spouse. It’s much harder to steal away for a weekend, or to stay out late chatting or to be spontaneous with children than it was before kids. But at least when it does happen, we probably appreciate it more.
Hi Treene, interesting thoughts. Yes I lead a very small life at the moment, not working and just feeling the drudgery of it al. But I think the difference between being the dowdy housewife and the sexy vamp is a lot about attitude. Do we hit our mid 30s and give up on things like fitness, eating well and exercising our minds? Also, sometimes it just means forcing ourselves into the mindset that we will be charming to our partners and children at the end of the day and make an effort and in the end the good stuff will come a bit more naturally.
Totally agree, especially about feeding our minds and bodies well. I find even if I have the most boring non-eventful day, if I at least read a good book while I’m feeding then it gives me something interesting to talk and think about. Makes for better conversation than nappies and washing. Also I love your choice of the word ‘charming’. Sometimes its an effort to be charming when we’re tired, bored or frustrated but if we had guests we would make the effort to be charming to them, so we should make the effort for our own husband and kids. The same goes for sex. I remember reading a controversial article by Bettina Arndt (not generally a fan but I thought this was worth remembering) that said when people are at the beginning of a new relationship they find time for sex even if it means going without sleep or food. Worth keeping in mind when your husband suddenly decides he wants some action at 11pm on a school night, and you’re thinking “Couldn’t he have thought about this at 9.30 instead?!”