This week I had the chance to take part in a new parenting panel on Erica Davis‘ morning show on Hope 103.2. It was very kind of Erica to invite me and I had a ball. I couldn’t help feeling though, how much my life has changed in just four months! I felt ridiculously nervous appearing as a guest on the show that I used to host. I also felt incredibly out of place in a professional work environment, (not unwelcome, just out of place) where people are all busily carrying out their business. The pace of life at home and school is just so much more relaxed and casual. It was also the first time I’d ever been so physically far away from Molly and the 40 minutes of freeway between us felt like a void as wide as the Simpson Desert.
This week on the panel we talked about the publicity that surrounds celebrities getting their “body back” after a baby. Is there too much pressure on Mums to get their body back into shape? In once sense I find this question a little laughable, as if we were all perfectly sculptured gym junkies before we had kids. I don’t know about you but I had wobbly bits before kids, and I have wobbly bits after kids, at least now I have more of an excuse! Personally I don’t compare myself to celebrities. They’re paid to look good – it’s their job and they have a team of personal trainers, nutritionists and nanny’s to help them. (I certainly don’t envy her job. If I wanted to be gawked at while standing around in my underwear I’d visit my dermatologist.) So if Miranda Kerr looks hot after a baby, good on her. She was hot before and it has no relevance to my life. If women feel pressure to look like her, before or after bub, then surely it’s a pressure they’re putting on themselves.
If anything, the time immediately after giving birth is the time you could head out in your pyjamas and people would tell you you’re fabulous, they’re just so impressed that you’ve managed to leave the house. If you bother to run a tiny bit of lippy over your mouth before you head out they’ll say you’re amazing. I remember clearly when Molly was six weeks old walking to the local shops in the late afternoon. I passed a Mum of twins cutting through the park and she looked a little despondent so I stopped for a chat. I remember exactly what I was wearing. My hair was in plaits that had been done at the crack of dawn and were now falling out in a mess. I had a green cap on, an old stained white singlet that was thinner than a supermodel, an orange skirt that was falling off my hips, and red Birkenstocks. A medley of clashing colours, no make-up, no jewelry, probably hadn’t washed my hair or shaved my armpits for several days. This lady I’ve never met before asked me how old the baby was and when I replied that she was six weeks, she gushed, “Wow, you’re looking fabulous!” It was all I could do not to burst out laughing. I looked like an unwashed hippy who had escaped a commune for the day.
Having said all that I did struggle with my body when I was pregnant. By the final 8 weeks I really did feel like a whale. I shamefully confess that I turned down a number of invitations to events, lunches and catch-ups in those final weeks because I felt too conspicuously unattractive, un-coordinated, inelegant and unsociable. The last thing you want to do is knock over somebody’s expensive glass of wine with your mega-pregga belly as you try to squeeze past the white tablecloths without inadvertently collecting one on the way. I also didn’t want to meet new people at a time when I felt so awkward and exhausted and wasn’t capable of giving them my full attention and energy.
While it’s nice to get a bit of positive, albeit unrealistic, feedback about bouncing back after bub, it seems a little unfortunate that we’re more likely to be told we’re looking good and less likely to be told we’re doing a good job. The other day I arrived late to school pick-up after racing across to Chatswood to pick up my niece from pre-school. I had phoned my neighbour and asked her to wait with Birdy until I got there. A full ten minutes late, I garbled my frantic apology. ”I’m so sorry I’m late, I just totally underestimated how long it would take, thanks so much for waiting, I’m so, so sorry.” My friend stopped me, “Katrina, it’s fine. Can I just say that I think you’re coping really well? It’s a lot to take on with a new baby.” Wow, what an encouragement it was to hear those words for the first time in three months. (It may not be the first time somebody’s said that, but it was the first time I’d heard it.) And it was just what I needed to hear. So while it’s lovely to have somebody say we’re looking great after a baby, let’s also encourage each other with how we’re doing. That’s the feedback new Mums really need to hear. Because while our bodies may change after a baby, what changes so much more is the heart. Our own selfish ambitions and desires gradually fade into the background while our better selves, the one that just wants the best for our baby, fights its way to the fore. That’s taken a little longer for me second time round, not because I’m more selfish, but because I had more to give up. So on those days when I’m feeling tired, haggard, grumpy and restless it means a lot to hear that I’m doing OK, even if I look like crap.
Are you concerned about regaining your body after a baby? Have you struggled to lose weight, exercise or to find time to take care of yourself? How have you changed since having a baby? What has encouraged you in your parenting role?
Kristi
“I also felt incredibly out of place in a professional work environment, (not unwelcome, just out of place) where people are all busily carrying out their business.”
I can relate to this as well Katrina. I took Corey to work on Tuesday to introduce him to my friends and colleagues there. I found it quite uncomfortable even letting myself in with my keypass and not getting someone’s permission to go into the office as I do not work there at the moment! Everyone there was in the middle of something that looked super important and that I was uncomfortable interrupting them. Of course everyone stopped and made a fuss and had a nurse of Corey etc but soon enough they were all back at their desks and I was sitting at the boss’s desk behind her partition feeding Corey and trying to stay out of sight from customers!
I probably looked OK (well as OK as it gets – hair was brushed, clothes were clean and not too crumpled and I even managed some mascara) but I felt terrible and tired and I was struggling to string a sentence together after being with a 9 week old baby and a 4 year old with limited adult contact for so long!
Like you, I am not too fussed about getting my pre-baby body back (it wasnt that great to start with) but I am happy if my boys are happy and healthy and I get a decent meal on the table for dinner and the house doesn’t look too much like a bomb has ripped through it!
katrinaroe
Glad someone knows how I feel. I so relate to everything you’ve said! Well done, brushed hair, clean clothes AND mascara! What an achievement! I bet you looked FABULOUS !!!
Love your goals you mentioned at the end too.
Sarah
I’m lucky that I didn’t put a lot of weight on with either pregnancy and went back to a similar shape fairly quickly as well (although I am slightly wider in the hips). But I did find that once I stopped being pregnant and/or breastfeeding (which happened continuously for three years), my bust size shrunk to even less than it had been before. Putting body image issues aside, the hardest thing is that I find it really difficult to find things that fit (apparently a size 8 should have C-cups, not A) – and I can’t even find a push-up bra to fit because I need an 8 and they all start at 10. It’s really hard to feel good about yourself when there is more in your wardrobe that doesn’t fit than does, and you find it difficult to find things to replace them
katrinaroe
Thanks Sarah, I do remember feeling discouraged last time when I couldn’t fit back into many of my clothes after 3 months, but now I know that seems to be more typical with first babies as the body is doing everything for the first time. Also we tend to overeat more in the first pregnancy because we think we have to ‘eat for two’. It is frustrating when you can’t easily find clothes to fit, especially bras because they are sooo expensive and they need to fit properly or what’s the point?
Aly
I love this post. So well said!
I think you’re right, Treen, that it’s not that someone ‘getting their body back’ is a good or bad goal or achievement – it’s just a bit beside the point!
You’re so right, that being encouraged that you’re doing a good job balancing life as a Mum (and wife/friend/home maker, whatever) is just such a wonderful thing in those early months. I agree that those kind of encouragements have impacted me the most. My husband in particular has been really good at building me up that way since we had our third baby 6 months ago.
Sarah, I do know what you mean about the ill-fitting clothes scenario, though. And yes, the deflated bust thing! I’m 6 months in to breast feeding at the moment so it’s not an issue yet, but I remember after I stopped feeding my 2nd baby, thinking that I could kind of understand why some women wanted breast implants! Not to have eye catching bosoms, but just to fill out your clothes properly (and balance out other parts that had NOT deflated so much)!
I think I waver at times in my body image. For the most part I feel quite content with where I’m at, but still have those times when I feel a bit frumpy or disheartened because clothes don’t fit.
One thing that is different for me this time (compared to after my first and second babies) is that I struggle to find time, or sometimes the motivation, to exercise. I’d like to be more disciplined in that, just for my health in general and also because I know from experience that when you know you are looking after yourself you feel more confident, and I think it’s easier to shrug off those negative thoughts about your body as well as disappointments like not fitting in to your favourite jeans.
katrinaroe
Aly, so true about finding time to exercise. I had high hopes of getting along to a pilates class this term but when I looked at the times available there just wasn’t one that worked for me. As in, if Molly woke early, there was always the risk that she’d be crying for an hour before I’d be back from my class, and it just wasn’t worth the risk. The best thing we did for exercise was becoming a one car family again. Now if I need milk, I have to walk to the shops and if it’s raining too bad. Before there was always an excuse to take the car – It’s raining, it’s too hot, Birdy’s too tired. Now we just have to walk everywhere and it’s the only exercise I get! Also we don’t have any mirrors in our house other than the bathroom vanity (I always joke that if we had more mirrors Chris would get nothing done!) so sometimes I get a shock when I walk past a full-length mirror in Myer and I don’t look the way I would like to in my head!