A friend of mine recently told me that she’s expecting her first baby and it took me back to when I was pregnant for the first time. It was such an exciting and daunting time. I remember very clearly the reaction of some of my friends who already had kids when I told them I was pregnant. Usually they tried to warn me about all the changes I would have to adjust to once the baby came along… coping with less sleep, feeling like a milk-machine, not going out whenever you want to, having less time with your partner… it felt like everybody was always warning me about how much life was going to change. And usually they were quite negative.
In the end the biggest adjustment for me was actually the housework. You wouldn’t think that one little tiny baby could make so much housework, would you? But I was used to washing once a week and suddenly I was washing all the time, because she’d sick up on me, or all over the sheets, or all over the playmat. Then there’s the fact that newborns need an entire new wardrobe every three weeks, so you’ve got to wash all the new stuff. Then there seemed to mountains of dishes to wash up – because I was at home all day with a constant stream of visitors and endless cups of tea. Not to mention the perpetual sterilizing of the expressing gear… I loved looking after my baby, but I hated all the extra housework, and it’s taken me a long time to come to terms with that part of the job description.
I think part of it was the changing expectations – feeling more responsible for the housework because I was at home full-time. When we were both working full time, there was an unspoken expectation that we shared equal responsibility for the housework. But once a baby comes along, usually the mother is home full-time (at least in the beginning) so she feels that she’s expected to take care of it. For me, that was the big adjustment – feeling suddenly responsible for the cleaning, cooking and shopping when in the past that was always a shared responsibility. Now don’t get me wrong, I have a very helpful husband, but we still had to work out our expectations. So that was the biggest adjustment for me but I’d be interested to hear about other people’s experiences.
What was the biggest adjustment you had to make when you first had a baby? Sleep deprivation? The impact on your social life? Or maybe just the need to be responsible for another little person? How did your expectations differ from those of your better half and how did it affect your relationship? If you’re expecting your first child, what concerns you most about how life will change?
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From Mouths of Babes 
Mum of 2
In 3.5 years (well, a little over four since I told people I was expecting) I have never heard it put so well! I recall a friend saying she was going back to work – not because she had to, nor because she disliked the parenting part, but because she was over the cleaning and wanted to pay for a helper.
Now I understand 🙂
Soph
Thanks Treen.
I’ve heard of loads of people complaining about the housework, but have heard of some ideas to assist with it all.
1. One of my friend’s had a baby who only went to sleep with noise, so she would strap the baby onto her while she vacuumed to get her to sleep. Killing two birds with one stone.
2. Shopping for fruit and vegies online. I’ve heard of a few places who deliver fruit and veg to your doorstep. The fruit and veg are fresher than the supermarket and cheaper, so by the time you pay for delivery, you are still ahead. I think it’s harvesters hub or farmers direct or something like that.
3. Another friend who has a two year old, just cleans one room a day. Then she doesn’t feel like it gets on top of her. She just focuses on one room, like the bathroom, then that’s it. She then rests or does something for herself (ie card making) when the two year old is asleep.
Anyone else have any good ideas???
Sophie 🙂
Alexandra
The hardest thing I found was the change in identity – what do I do now? As someone whose used to running around being busy and involved, what was this person I had become? How was a useful contributing person? Thankfully it didn’t last long though, as I got into a new routine with support from mothers group, church etc relatively quickly, but I did have to remind myself of the value of bringing up a little person well.
And the housework? There’s certainly more of it because I’m home so much more. I think its important to choose your priorities and be aware of what you can do to still feel sane – whether that choice is to clean something, or just to let it be and have a cup of tea. You’ve kind of got to go with how you’re coping that day. But there does reach a point where your sanity relies on having somewhere you can sit in the house without seeing something that desperately needs doing. Maybe thats the key – just keep at least one corner of a room tidy, and always have enough room in the kitchen to be able to make some food (and the cup of tea!).
katrinaroe
Hi Soph, I really think that idea number 3 is a good one to keep in the back of your mind when your baby arrives. Then if the housework gets overwhelming its a way of keeping it under control and giving yourself permission to do something you enjoy when your allocated task is completed. I actually did a roster (ie Monday – clean bathroom, Tuesday – clean floors) and that helped to provide me with some structure. I found I needed a bit of routine in my life after the first few months of chaos. But once Birdy turned one and life settled down, I threw the roster out the window. You may find you don’t need to use a system like that, but it’s always good to have these ideas up your sleeve for those days when it all gets too much.
Aly
I actually really enjoyed the transition the first time around. Somehow, I got a lot of satisfaction out of being home with El AND from cleaning the house! I did baking, had play dates, could still go out to friends places in the evenings some times because El would go down to sleep pretty reliably…
I think it wasn’t until after she turned one that I started feeling less purposeful about it all and felt the need for a new challenge and some intellectual stimulation. I started doing casual teaching at that time, so that helped. Also being on the music team at church.
I’ve really felt another change in my sense of identity having another baby, though. It’s weird, but it’s felt like a real shift to go from being a young mum with one baby to being a mum of two. Something about saying “the kids” instead of just “Elora”. On the whole it’s really delightful to be meeting and getting to know a new personality and forming a new family dynamic, but it’s also meant a readjustment to new constraints.
I’m getting in to the swing of a new routine now, but I struggled at first with feeling that I was not able to do as good a job of things that I had previously felt on top of – eg. housework, quality time with my husband and daughter, catching up with friends, etc. I really had to be willing to let things go at times and to pace myself, focussing on the most important things (eg. time with family), though I haven’t always made the right choices there. Soph’s idea about having separate goals for different days is a great one.
Something else I’ve been struck by recently (coming out of that really intense period with a newborn baby) is the need for me to have a few interests and goals apart from the practicalities of mothering and housework. I’ve realised that my conversation with my husband when he’s home from work is often limited to descriptions of our daughter’s behaviour, of baby Tobin’s vomits and dirty nappies, or boasts of such great accomplishments as “giving the bathroom a really good clean” or “mopping ALL the floors!” Poor guy… I think he really tries to summon up interest and to respond with appropriate enthusiasm. 🙂
I also think that ‘date nights’ are more important than ever! Something we haven’t got back into yet but that would really benefit our relationship. It’s too easy to put the kids first ahead of each other so that you’re only ever sort of working alongside each other without stopping to enjoy one another’s company, hey?
katrinaroe
I do agree with Alexandra that you have to prioritise whatever keeps you sane, whether it’s a clean house, or time to yourself to have a cup of tea. But I also find that you have to keep reassessing that as your needs change. I have gone through periods where having the house under control has been really important to me, and I’ve gone through periods where I’m desperate for intellectual stimulation, or recognition or a goal outside the home.
I also agree with Aly, that there’s nothing worse than feeling boring. But having said that, I remember when we were both working that we both got sick of each other just talking about our work problems/stresses/colleagues, so working isn’t necessarily the answer. Actually our conversations are more interesting when we’re reading widely, watching really challenging movies, or planning something we both enjoy. But I think goals are important and I’ve realised I need both short-term achievable goals (like “giving the bathroom a really good clean”) and long-term ones (like finishing a project).
I think for me what I really look for is recognition of my achievement. So while I might feel good about my shiny bathroom, it doesn’t have my husband in raptures, singing my praises because he’s not even going to notice it.
As for date nights, great idea, as long you’ve got something interesting to talk about!
Aly
Ha ha, well said!