I know, I know. I said this website was meant to be a celebration of parenting, but I can’t be all sweetness and light (especially when my child’s sick and I haven’t had a good sleep for about three years!) So today I bring you my top ten list of the most annoying things about life after baby!
1. Port-a-cots. Seriously. Those things are designed to send any parent crazy. Every time I get one side up, the other side collapses, then the legs slide out from under it and I’m doing the splits trying to manoeuvre the leg back into place, only to discover that one of the inside poles is in a slightly wrong position and it won’t budge unless I collapse the entire Port-a-cot, which then ends up in a mangled mess at my feet. Then if, by some miracle, I manage to get the entire cot set-up without doing gymnastics, and if by a miracle the child in question actually manages to sleep on the rock hard mattress in a strange place, and if I manage to then get the Port-a-cot packed up again without slipping a disc, then the chances of actually fitting the so-called Port-a-cot into it’s so-called portable bag are about as likely as me taking a Virgin flight into space for my next holiday! Do you think they would allow Port-a-cots on a space flight, by the way? (No really, I do love my Port-a-cot, as long as somebody else sets it up!)
2. Negotiating locks on the kitchen cupboard doors. C’mon. Think back to that time before you had kids. Don’t you remember how annoying it was to go to someone else’s house, try to help yourself to a drink, only to discover that all the kitchen cupboards had child-proof locks on them? Trust me, it sends all your visitors balmy.
3. Baby gates. Why is it that nearly every baby gate has a completely different opening mechanism? It’s like trying to work out how to flush public toilets in Europe. Every one is an IQ test.
4. Getting kids’ music stuck in your head. Picture this. You’re in the shower, innocently humming a tune. Then suddenly you realise you’re singing The Wiggles’, ‘Rock-A-Bye Your Bear’. And you’ve been singing it non-stop for three days. AAAAHHHHHH!
5. Even worse is playing kids’ music in the car… when your kids aren’t even there. You’re halfway through a journey when you suddenly realise that you don’t actually have to listen to Bananas In Pajamas any more. AAAAHHHH again.
6. While we’re on the subject of cars, let me just say these three little words: Food In Cars. If you’re like me, you can get used to toast crusts on the kitchen floor, but that doesn’t mean you want them all over the back seat of the car. And then there’s that half-eaten, shrivelled up, moulding-at-the-edges apple that sneakily rolled underneath the front passenger seat a month or so ago, not to mention the sippy cup of milk that fell down the side of the baby seat and turned solid three days ago! Surprise!
7. Things disappearing. Ever since that little person learned to walk, random things just keep mysteriously disappearing or getting destroyed. My favourite magazine – ripped to pieces. My sunnies – snapped in half. My bikkie – eaten before I can get to it. My mobile phone – hidden in a train carriage. My car keys – flushed down the toilet. Sigh. Why is it never that hideous vase from Aunt Martha that gets “accidently” destroyed?
8. Having to check the toilet for collateral damage before visitors come. Don’t you just dread that innocent request: “Mind if I use the bathroom?” Suddenly your heart’s racing. Who used it last? “Er… just let me check it.” Sure enough, there’s toilet paper sprayed from one end to other and a little un-flushed deposit at the bottom of the bowl. Nice.
9. Oh that reminds me… toilet training. Fullstop.
10. Knowing your only trip to the movies this year will be to see the next Disney musical offering, with a super-predictable story-line, saccharine music and a singing hot-dog. Life can be so unkind.
11. (I know, I said it would be ten but I just thought of eleven…) Never being able to finish a phone-call, book, meal, cup of coffee, movie, text-message, email or conversation without being interrupted! Naturally I’m writing this blog while my daughter’s asleep and even then she keeps interrupting!
What would be at the top of your list of the most annoying things about life with kids? Please feel free to add to this list!
PS. I love my daughter. I really do.